Advice: Drama Queens and how to tell if you are one

Those looking for sound guidance have many sound avenues from which to choose. All others can consult the former queen of France who on Sundays fields questions and doles advice in this space. If you have your own question, please write her at whatwouldmarieantoinettedo at gmail dot com.

Your Majesty,

I have a co-worker who… is nothing but drama. She’s always frantic, always breathless. Everything is always a pending disaster. I’m above dwelling on it, but suffice it to say that’s she’s a little insane. She says whatever is on her mind about everyone and thinks nothing of calling two levels above her with the smallest complaint. Lately, I find her cornering me at the coffee maker, telling me endless stories about how crazy her boss is, and I just listen to be polite. But recently she told another supervisor about her problems but added that I agreed with her totally. I didn’t agree with her at all, only listened while the coffee brewed.  I’m told that she is on her way out  and I don’t know if it’s worth it to tell her it’s not cool to bring other people into her messes and to tell her off altogether. Do I say anything to her? Do I let it go?

-Office normal person

Darling,

We all dream of a world without drama, without “issues,” without vaguely termed “personalities.” Yet, as we bemoan cattiness in all its forms, we find ourselves transfixed by it entirely. We watch reality TV to escape our own peaceful (and boring) existences. We start stories about friends and colleagues with the phrase, “can you believe…”  We hate the drama but find ourselves smitten.

For a short time at Versailles, I lived drama-free.  This is a lovely side-effect of not knowing any better. Haters have always hated, especially at Versailles, but as a newly-minted princess, I didn’t know that. Cue the happy montage of a young girl in a very big skirt followed by more strangers in very large skirts passing others in a huge palace without anything interesting happening at all. People would nod and murmur pleasantries, as you might in the elevator on your first day of work. Everyone might be your future boss, confidant, or cubemate. You think, ” better make a good impression.”

I don’t have to tell you that this isn’t very interesting. The CW doesn’t have a single show entitled Nice People. MTV’s producers don’t pitch shows with real-life characters committed to others’ fulfillment. I also don’t need to tell you that this doesn’t last. The biggest bitch you ever knew had a picture perfect first day. Conflict is interesting. Snark is interesting and even fun. Real life drama is often more captivating than television, and without television, at 14, 15 and 16 and onward, what young girl could resist starring in her own personal drama?

Your friend reminds me a little of myself in those days a girl who doesn’t know the rules until she finds she’s broken them.  I spontaneously hugged the Comtesse the Noailles and was coldly corrected. I shivered, naked, waiting for her chemise in an interminable dressing ceremony, and my very real response, “This is ridiculous,” sent shockwaves through the court. Perhaps my inner cat emerged in defense to all this rigueur, as a reaction to a world so unforgiving to her very honest nature. Perhaps my penchant for mischief, always present in Austria, couldn’t resist needling the stiff and serious Versailles.

In my case, I began to find my inner cat.  “What did it matter?” I  thought. “They’re harsh with me already and I’ve done nothing at all.” Worse, I asked myself the purpose of friends or enemies, being liked or disliked, when I would be queen and the lot of them would not. Who needs allies when your post does not depend upon them? A sound thought for sure, for a girl with no long-term plans.

The girl seems to trust you. You can tell her to hold back and calm down and advise her on how to navigate your office’s particular culture. After this, limit your exposure to her rants since she has made you party to her opinions. And remember that as much as the drama and gossip has transfixed you, you have the choice to tell her that you’re swamped and can’t talk right now, and continue putting her down gently until she doesn’t come to your desk any longer.

——–

Are you a drama queen? A Quick Quiz for Modern Maries

Answer yes or no

• If you were on a reality show, would you be the one saying, “I’m not here to make friends.”?
• Do you think Spencer Pratt has sympathetic qualities?
• Do you argue with people on the Internet?
• Have you ever been punched “for no good reason”?
• Can you justify any action with, “I don’t care what anyone says. This is just who I am.”
• Have you ever told anyone to “check” themselves?
• Do you find yourself telling your significant other the same stories about the same people, again and again?
• Do you somehow magically get paired with back-stabby, underminy people wherever you go?
• Have all your bosses been incompetent jerks?

If you answered Yes to 1-3 of these questions: You’ve got a touch of the princess. Unbunch your skirts and relax.

If you answered Yes to 2-6 of these questions: You are a full-fledged drama queen. No, that’s not a compliment and no you shouldn’t throw a drink at me.

If you answered Yes to more than 6 questions: You are a drama Empress who likely crowned herself, Napoleon-style, at her coronation. Remember that Napoleon had a short man’s complex and was later exiled.

–

What was your score? Did the queen get it right? Tell us in the comments.

Advises the Queen: Charm first, always

Each Sunday, Marie Antoinette takes time from her own personal afterlife to help Modern Maries like yourself navigate life’s social minefields. If you find yourself in need of advice from the former Queen of France, please email whatwouldmarieantoinettedo at gmail dot com.

Madame, my queen,
My neighbor is a dark-souled hateful person who only leaves her home to tell other people that their children are too loud, their lawns too unmanicured and that their dogs should be taken to the pound. We’re both on a neighborhood committee to plan an annual picnic, and I’d rather not go, now that I know she’s involved. If I must, I’d prefer to ignore her entirely, so maybe she’ll learn her behavior has consequences.
-Feeling Uneighborly

Darling, that’s simply no way to plan a party. It’s important to use charm liberally. Difficult people and those you distrust need it most (until there’s a reason to let someone know you find them difficult or unlikable.)

It’s a strategy I used on my very own mother. After his accession, Louis added a postscript to one of my letters home: “I am very glad to seize this occasion, my dear mama, to prove my love and attachment to you. I would much like to have your advice at this difficult time.” He continued: “I would be very glad to please you and thus show you my great attachment and my gratitude for your granting me your daughter with whom I couldn’t be more pleased.”

In fact, Louis hadn’t thought of writing anything. I dictated his entire postscript, sensing having the Austrian Empress on my husband’s side would be a good thing for me and him and France in general.

I even used it on the revolutionaries. After the King had been deposed after the failed flight to Varennes, I sought out the constitutionalist Barnave. I wrote my waiting woman to get in touch with him because I “was struck with his personality, which I recognized during the two days we spent together and that I should very much like to know from him what there is for us to do in our present position…having thought a great deal, since my return, about the strength, capacity and intelligence of the man I spoke to, I felt that it could not but be advantageous to begin a kind of correspondence with him, always on condition, however, that I should frankly let him know what was in my mind.”

I didn’t think anything of the kind and was attempting to play a double game with a man I felt was aligned with my enemies. I’m not proud of the ruse (really, I realize Barnave might have been our last hope, but I didn’t know that all at the time). All Barnave knew was that he was so special, the Queen sought his counsel and that he had the chance to 1. save her live, and 2. strike a compromise with the Jacobins that would shape France forever. This dupe would not have worked had Barnave not been so flattered he could not see straight.

At the neighborhood meetings, don’t freeze your neighbor out. Solicit her opinion. Support her views when warranted. Ignore her rudeness and imagine that she, like me with Barnave, distrusts a solution simply because she believes herself to be absolutely right. Find a way to be respectful and allow your neighbor to feel she has an ally in a room where likely she has few. You’ll find the picnic planning goes easier and she might look at you more favorably as well.

What do you think? Did the queen get it right? What would you do?

 

Glam Antoinette Cupcake Toppers From Gypsy Toppers

Sorry to post twice in one day, but who can’t use more delight, I asked myself, and then refused to hold back.

I should be working but I remembered an Etsy Company I’d been meaning to post about and realized that I would much rather write about this than be responsible. All you need to know is that they make modern funky Marie Antoinette Cupcake toppers for all holidays and occasions and that they are awesome.

Take a look at the rest of the collection here. Follow them on Twitter here.

For my Marie Antoinette Party Planning Guide, go here.

There are way more than I’ve posted here. Use them for birthdays, showers or just for fun. How would you use them?

Marie+Royal Tennenbaums, Dishes and Champagne School

Hello lovelies,

It’s Friday which hopefully means you are looking forward to a weekend of relaxation. Whether you are or not, here’s a little prettiness to start the break off right.

Fashion line Ellery merges Marie Antoinette with the Royal Tennenbaums for is Fall 2011 line. From The Style Platform

In the mood to gawk? China Purveyor Bernardaud offers collections based on historic tables, including our gal Marie.

Need some schooling on life’s finer points? Flute, a Champagne bar in New York (and Paris) offers a Champagne school to educate devotees on food pairings and growers and all sorts of things that likely go out of your head when you’re sipping Champagne. Check out the spring class list, and if you plan to be in the city try to make it to their live Jazz nights on Wednesdays.

That’s it for now. Have a wonderful weekend.

 

 

 

 

Ask the Queen: Does he like me for me?

Each Sunday (barring the last two when she was swamped beyond swamped and posted nothing) Marie Antoinette answers etiquette questions in this space. To have your own answered, send an email to What Would Marie Antoinette do at Gmail Dot Com.

Mom, Maria Theresa. You don't get to be Empress of Austria believing romance can disguise hamfisted bids for power.

My Darling Majesty,

I am dating a boy who I like very much but who I suspect is more interested in my family than myself. He is an actor and my father is a director. My boyfriend seems to take more interest in family events than one-on-one dates and asks more about my dad’s work than my own. Am I paranoid?

-Movie-land daughter

Dear heart,

Today’s youth talk of a phenomenon called beer goggles, when someone looks more attractive after ingesting several alcoholic beverages. My own Mom Maria Theresa’s ministers were afflicted by a similar sickness I call  “crown goggles,” a syndrome brought on when a female ruler’s husband and co-ruler passes away. Maria was still a looker at 48 but she somehow grew all the prettier with an empty throne beside her.

A plot was hatched: Her three ministers would vie for my mother the Empress’ hand. Mom and dad’s marriage was very much a love match and the ministers decided her heart was the path to the crown. For scheming cads, the men were gallant enough to declare they would not be jealous of whomever mum chose. (The heart wants what the heart wants, apparently, bids for power notwithstanding.)

Another woman might have changed her plans to rule with her son and not remarry. Another woman might have remarried, selecting from just those 3 suitors. However, another woman wasn’t my mother and wouldn’t have made it 10 minutes as the Austrian Empress.

Mom made it her business to know all her ministers’ plots and schemes and was onto the plan. One day, after a council meeting ended, she spoke about female rulers and what people expected of them. She said if she ever fell in love, it would be with a man who could prove he was led by affection, not ambition. As a rule, she’d decided, that man would need to quit any state affairs and live a private life as a happily married husband. The ministers gave up their plot and Maria Theresa kept power within the family, co-ruling with her son Joseph. She never remarried and power never left the family.

Limit your boy’s access to your family and let it slip in conversation how your father hates to do business with friends and family. If he’s still around, you pegged your boy wrong. If he’s not, you’re better off with out him.

What do you think? Did the queen get it right? Post your additional thoughts in the comments.

Marie monogram stamp, street style and Thakoon

In honor of Friday, one of the best days of the week, I’m posting some fun and frippery.

A Marie Antoinette Monogram Stamp. Marie’s monogram could compete with any modern day logo in its simplicity and utter coolness. Blogger and FTTB (Friend to this Blog) Marie Arden recently had her own Marie Antoinette Monogram Stamp made and you should take a look. It’s a fun idea for greeting cards and party invites, too, if you’re so inclined. For the post, click here.Marie-inspired fashion blog. Style mavens among us might be interested in a new blog I’ve found: Time Enough for drums. The blog explores French fashion icons, reinterpreting them with modern styles. She has a few blogs on other French icons, like Madeline, dear Amelie and even Charlotte Corday. There’s a healthy Marie Antoinette focus, including the queen’s impact on menswear in France and modern street style. Take a look.

Marie news from Fashion Week. Lastly, you may have heard that last week was Fashion week in New York. Designer Thakoon Panichugal presented a collection that was partly inspired by Marie Antoinette (with bustles and ruffles) and partly by Maasai warriors. your blogmistress admits she does not know what a Maasai warrior is, but thought she’d post the link to the runway show all the same. What do you think?

Advice: When you can’t afford your friend’s high-end lifestyle

Have a problem or a question? Let Marie Antoinette solve it one Sunday during her weekly advice column. Send your questions to whatwouldmarieantoinettedo@gmail.com.

My queen,

I have a new friend and I like to spend time with her but I’m not sure I can afford it. We’ll go out for a drink or a coffee and night I think will cost me $10-$15 sometimes costs me $30-40 or more since she’ll pick expensive places, forget her credit card or insist we split the bill when we haven’t bought the equal amount. What do I do?
-Allowance for doubtful accounts

This greeting card is available at specialty shops.

My Darling,

I know just what you mean and have been in the same position — just on your friend’s side, and often linked with my hair.

I didn’t just have really big hair. I was a patron to hairdressers who specialized in really big hair, elevating the trend into an art of sorts, sanctioned by me. I let those artists practice not just in her private chambers but in their trendy Parisian shops. These incredible firsts were followed by another: French noblewomen and wealthy bourgeois women could copy trends the I set and even use my stylist.

The poufs changed women’s lives. They were incredibly tall, sometimes reaching 3 feet above the wearer’s head. Hairdressers were so booked that women took appointments the day before an important ball and slept sitting up rather than muss the artist’s creation. To sleep they’d wrap their hair in a conical bandage “which everything went under, false hair, pins, dye, grease until at last the head, thrice its right size, and throbbing, [lay] on the pillow, done up like a parcel.” To travel, women either stuck their heads out of the windows or knelt on their carriages’ floor. To ease such complications, Monsieur Beaulard, a talented hairdresser, invented a mechanical coiffure with a winch hidden in the chignon that lowered or raised the pouf. This was helpful not just for clearing doorways but for hiding the style from older court ladies who likely disapproved.

No only was it all-consuming, it was ruinous. According to the memoir of  Madame Campan, my first lady of the chamber, “Everyone immediately wanted to have the same hair dresser as the queen, to wear the plumes and garland. The young ladies’ expenses were enormously increased; mothers and husbands grumbled; a few scatterbrains contracted debts; there were scenes and coldness in several homes. And it was widely said that the queen would ruin all the French Ladies.” Women spent their dowries on ribbons and hats, threatening their very futures (they risked a proper match and the possibility that those dowries would be reinvested in the land). Some women sought out lovers to support their shopping habits.

Little did those ladies know, I could not afford the fashions either. The frequent style changes and the costs of renowned stylists was draining the crown’s coffers too. But no one knew that yet. All they understood was what they saw, firsthand:  I had encouraged the best young women of France to spend their futures on ribbon and feathers. I was a bad influence indeed, accidentally.

Give your friend what I was never given: Honesty. Tell her that you don’t have the budget to go out and that you’d like to invite her to your home for coffee. Take control of the plans, the settings and your limits. If you do go out, say at the start that you only have a limited amount of cash and be firm that you don’t split the bill. (And if she tries the I-don’t-have-my-credit-card trick again, ask her why. If she’s free and breezy, you’ll know she’s as careless with your funds as hers and can consider avoiding her.) She might not be able to handle the spending as well and not even know it. Your honesty might help her reflect on if she can or not.

What do you think? Did the queen get it right? Let her know in the comments.